The 3 F's

Three cities. Five homes. In 2012, I have been all over the map, literally and figuratively. It was certainly a year of change; a wild roller coaster ride that thrilled and scared me all at the same time.

Through all of the ups and downs, the biggest and most important points of change and growth were in my faith. In every bone that builds my 4'10" frame, I can feel the shift. I don't know when, or how, or why, I just know that it did. 

I have learned to trust. I've learned to listen. While I still have my tendency to panic, what eases my anxiety is knowing that everything happens when and how it should, at the right time and for the right reasons.

I'm still struggling to distinguish between the time to be patient and the time to take control because fate has taken you has far as it needs to. I'm still having trouble deciding whether an obstacle is a sign to stop or just a challenge to be overcome. Maybe I'll never figure that out. Maybe I'm not supposed to.

This process of becoming is exhausting. But I'll take exhausting over boring any day.

And the only things that can get me through this crazy ride? Faith. Family. Friends.

Happy New Year! See you in 2013, everyone :)

Growth

This is my 2009 reflection post that I'd posted on Facebook but has since been lost. This was right before the first move to New York, before I started this blog. I'm re-posting it as a reminder of how far I've come, how things have both changed and stayed the same, and how I am so ready for the next thing. 2012 reflection post to come ;)


Wednesday, December 30, 2009

So 2009 easily goes to the bottom of my list of favorite years. It had its bright spots, and I am 100% aware of how blessed I am. But really. 2009 can suck it. I'm sorry. There's just no eloquent way to say it. I've thought about it, and expressing it this way truly captures the essence of this year. At the end of each year, I like to sit and reflect on the last 12 months. Go over the ups and the downs. Examine my relationships with my family and friends. It kind of keeps me in check. Keeps me on track. So that I'm never too far from the person I was, nor from the person I'd like to become. Well, this year, besides the ups and the downs, there was a lot of going around in circles. If you had at all been in tune to life post-grad, then you know that life had been pretty much turned upside down. Spain didn't happen. (Actually, a lot of things just didn't happen.) All of a sudden, the plans that I made for months were out the window. And I was terrified. I've spent the better part of this year wondering what I should be doing, what my next step should be, lost, confused and with little direction. I had to keep telling myself "where ever you are is exactly where you're supposed to be". As scared as I was, I had to keep on believing that everything would fall into place, and that life would unravel in its own way, and on its own time. Whenever I had these moments of doubt, my dad would always remind me to pray. Every time. Without fail. And that's something I have always loved and admired about my dad. How he is a man of such great faith. And so I did. I prayed a lot. I was in my favorite secondhand bookstore today, and came across a little book of quotes. Some of them were crap. A lot were super cliche. And this one, as simple and cliche as it may be, kind of just hit the spot. "Trust eliminates fear." And that's what I had to do a lot of this year. Trust. Believe. Etc. You go on believing that everything happens for a reason. That the plan that God has for you is infinitely better than the one that you've made for yourself. And you learn that our prayers are often answered, but sometimes it's just not the answer we were looking or hoping for. And after that, there's nothing to do but move forward. So this my proposal to everyone who has had a pretty crappy 2009. While I'm not a huge believer in new years resolutions, I am a big believer in being happy. And sometimes that requires change. I do think it is a little silly that we wait until the new year to make changes, because there's no real reason why we couldn't start now. But this time, I'll make an exception. I say you take the last couple days left of 2009, and immerse yourself in all of the negative emotions that you've felt. Whether you've been incredibly stressed, sad, depressed, bitter, angry, any or all of the aforementioned.. You're allowed to feel that way up until the last second of 2009. If you've ever read Tuesdays with Morrie (and if you haven't, ya should), it's kind of like that. Some mornings he'd cry and mourn over himself, and let his grief wash over him. He allows himself to feel that emotion completely. So I recommend that you dive head first into all of those things that you've been feeling. Then you can say you've experienced that emotion. You can recognize it. And then you can detach yourself from it. I am all about leavin it in 2009. There are wonderful things ahead, and you won't want any unnecessary baggage weighing you down. The Jenna Taino Saga: The College Years has come to a close. And I've been on hiatus for about 6 months. I won't even say that 2010 begins a new chapter. Because this is a different volume completely. Can't wait for the adventures, and to share these new experiences with the people I love. Stay tuned, because you won't wanna miss this ;) Have a very happy and blessed new year, everyone. I love you all very much <3 td="td">

Girl On Fire

Hey, New York. I'm back.

While I was in the Philippines this summer, I thought that I was done with New York once and for all; that maybe all of the hoopla that happened with my perfect apartment happened for a reason, so that I could extend my trip, and/or begin a new chapter, because maybe, just maybe, my time in the greatest city in the world was up.

Then an opportunity absolutely blindsided me and suddenly NY was back on the table. What about those signs that I prayed about? Well, I got my answer, but I forgot to ask where to next, and when to make my move. And why had the option to return come about at all? Opportunities like this don’t just happen; not in this economy and certainly not in this industry.

It was time to (re)consider everything: New York? Florida? Or did I forget to check behind curtain #3? Paralyzed by my own indecision and perhaps fear, I went in circles.

The most reassuring thing was no matter what the final decision was, I had full faith that it would be a step towards the end goal. I considered the pros and cons of all of my choices. I made my lists, my charts, yanno, normal JT stuff. Money, moving, time… In the end, the deciding factor was me.

I love Florida, yanno. I can totally see myself there in the future. That was the thing though.  Maybe it's reserved for my future rather than my present.

I love my family. I love being so close to my friends. But I hate the person that I am when I’m home. I’m impatient, bratty, short tempered, not nearly as productive, kind of negative, and generally ho-hum; the complete opposite of the person I feel like I usually am everywhere else, with anyone else, and in any other situation.. I even wondered then, is that my true self? No. Because in every odd and new situation I put myself in, in every other experience, I’m that positive, level headed, overly cheerful and wildly optimistic person that I take so much pride in being. But when I’m back, it’s as if I regress to my former child state, because while I’ve grown and learned and moved forward in my journey towards becoming, to everyone at home, I am that impatient, short tempered brat.  You’re bucketed into your past self. I think that’s what happens though. You move away at 17-18, and when you return, to those people, you’re still that age; you’re still that person. You allow those projections to take a hold of you and react accordingly.

You have to like the person you are. You’re stuck with you forever, so you might as well try to be the best version of yourself.

But besides that, living in the shadows to silently hone away at my endless to-do list and slowly working my way on to the scene and market was not how I envisioned my grand return. Nope. When I get back for good, I want to set this place on fire. I want to walk in ready, and to put it quite simply, just shut it down.

Long story just slight shorter, I chose New York. I can’t say that I’ve ever had a real, functional, healthy relationship, but I’ve had two defining ones, and one of them is with this damn city. It has taken a hold of me once again and I just can't shake its grip. All right, New York. You have my attention. Right now, I’m all yours.

For those creative souls out there...

Shared by my former classmate and first Parsons friend, Kate Chen.

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” ― Ira Glass

Faith

Once we begin to understand and believe that everything happens for a reason, then even the not so great things don't seem so bad.

A Country Song of a Different Sort

The superstition that death comes in threes is haunting, isn't it? Maybe it's like when you have a car, all of a sudden you notice it on the road everywhere. Even today's episodes of Boy Meets World were sad and made me cry.. back-to-back. (Who knew episodes like that even existed?)

A fittingly cold and gloomy day to conclude the week that has passed. The world is crying. May we all gain comfort knowing that our loved ones are simply resting, and find peace and solace believing and trusting in God's plan.

To my family and friends who have lost someone special these last couple of days in particular..



Home soon.

Cocoon Shedding

People seem to be impressed with or at least like to acknowledge my seemingly nonchalant attitude about taking on new cities and/or adventures. The truth is, if you know me at all, I am hardly unflappable. But there is a time for panic and a time for problem solving. A crisis only gets worse if you do the former for too long.

Anyways, this isn't about that...

I have too many friends who talk about leaving, but don't. Finances aside, the getting up and going isn't that hard. You just do it.

Starting a new life in a new city, you can be whoever you want to be, unattached to the connotations of your former self. That was your old life; that was the old you.

Starting over is easy. You get a clean slate.

It's deciding which pieces of your old self you want to keep that is difficult. Which parts do you take along with you on your new adventure, and which are meant to be left behind?

Lately, I've described myself as an emotional hoarder. I seem to love the people I meet, the things I do, the places I see just way too much, too often, and perhaps too long. Rather than outgrowing interests and relationships, I try to keep them all. I don't know if that's good or bad. Maybe both.

Which parts do you take along with you on your new adventure, and which are meant to be left behind?

That is something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.

Cameo

With a special appearance by Project Oasis, I am blowin' your mind and mixing up my blogs.

Be Humble. Don't Grumble.

Whenever I start buggin' over my first world "problems", I think about days like this:

...And I'm back again.

Perspective.

I attended a lecture last week, and the speaker was a prominent Florida businessman. The floor was opened up for questions, and a student asked, "What was your biggest failure?"

The gentleman replied, "Failure? There are attempts that didn't work out right then and there, so you have to re-route, modify, adjust. Failure is sticking to the original plan and giving up. So in my professional life, I have never failed."

I'm fine, thanks.

On beautiful days, I'd look out the window and wonder why I wasn't outside.

I don't get 9 to 5s. I feel like I can accomplish anything I need to do in less time and out of the confines of a cubicle (cringe).

How do I picture my life? I picture my "work" being incorporated directly into it rather than being isolated in 8 hour blocks, 5 days a week. Who made up the rule that life exists only after you leave the office and on the weekends? And why wait until you're 50 to retire and enjoy life? What about those 20-30 years before that?

I want to be happy all the time. And to be clear, I don't mean I don't want to work. On the contrary, my friend, but life is too short to spend most of it being miserable. I just want to enjoy what I do, and I want it my work and therefore my life to be meaningful.

Goal: Get a life. Not just a job.

http://imfinethanksmovie.com/ Thanks, Willie Jackson, for sharing.

Rose Colored Glasses

ONE DAY, I'm gonna look back at all of this and say...

Remember that one time I dropped psych like a bad habit then didn't go to Spain to teach English because I was too busy selling paintings in the Plaza and eating hare krishna (HELLO! Spaghetti Wednesday!) then moved to NY and went to fashion school and didn't sleep, didn't eat, practically lived at school but in real life lived in JERSEY! and they ate all of my peanut butter and the key to the house never worked but then I found my perfect New York apartment with perfect room mates and went to New York Fashion Week a few times and snuck into a few shows and thought I'd have a heart attack because I didn't wanna get caught but Leah made me.. (I just HATE getting in trouble the thought makes me nervous)

Then we all graduated and started going our separate ways Courtney stayed in New York Sarah never moved in but was supposed to but decided to go back to Maryland to corporate America and Leah eventually went to Vegas (but not yet) and Eseri went home to UGANDA?! and I left too and went back to Florida, but not home.. Fort Myers, which was a lovely town and I was there for a lovely job (not my dream job but def a step towards it) but there was just too many old people and nothing to do and plus it was really, really far from church so I returned to New York and moved back in the perfect apartment and at the time Leah was still there but then she moved out and Eseri was already in Africa and that left me with a terribly mean room mate who was just a mean, mean, rude girl and she made me cry and the apartment started to fill with randoms and Frenchies and they were the sweetest but it just wasnt the same.

Oh, wait. Pause. Before I moved from New York to Florida and while I was in school I went to the Philippines and from that moment I wanted to just bring people water because it's so sad, yanno, who doesn't need water?

Hmm, where was I? Oh, yes.. So I left New York AGAIN for the summer and had to move out of that perfect apartment and did random things to make ends meet and thought I closed the chapter on cheerleading, but hey, UCA takes care of ya and it pays the bills then I went to the Philippines AGAIN to actually bring people water and I loved it and would've stayed longer if all of my friends weren't getting married and I still miss and it changed me forever and ever and I'm a better person because of it.

Then I became a real life gypsy with no home, slept on friends couches and I was in Florida for a minute then paid a visit to New York and even hung out in DC for a week because it was in the middle and I wasn't sure which direction I wanted to go but I finally came back home and twiddled my thumbs and flipped my coin app to make decisions.

But then I finally made some decisions and everything worked out because the dots always connect (eventually) and the universe conspires in helping achieve your Personal Legend and what ever other cliche quote and life lesson from a book and motivational speech and bible verse (Proverbs 16:9) that's out there that explains WHY it works outs and reminds you to not worry so dadgum much. (Just trust that it does)

ONE DAY, I'm gonna look back and tell this story and laugh hysterically because I am ridiculous and incredibly lucky blessed and it will all make sense and I'll be so grateful for it all.

Sleep No More

Parsons was a place of no sleep.

We'd stay up until close, surviving off of vendor machine snacks and naps.

My eyelids would feel like a thousand pounds.

I'd feel like I'd throw up at any moment.

And I'd have a headache that started from the back and crept its way to my temples.

That was usually the cue to go home.

That feeling is back again. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying that it's back again.
I'm actually taking it as a good sign.

Fast Cars & Freedom

As topsy turvy as life feels right now, with every single aspect kind of just floating in the air, waiting to be grabbed, I'm thankful. I'm thankful because if having too many options is my biggest problem, then I'm in pretty good shape.

I could sit here and analyze every possibility to wits end, but there's no way of knowing what will happen until it does. And nothing can begin until I make a decision. Any decision.

Fear is paralyzing. But we have to ask ourselves what exactly we're afraid of. Loving that new city? Excelling at that new job? Generally being awesome? Being too happy?

It's not always fear of failure. Sometimes it totally is. Sometimes maybe we're fearful of the responsibility that comes along with success.

And that's dumb. We are capable of any and everything. And if you're afraid to go out there on your own, don't be. There are enough people out there who want to help you. You'll be surprised to find out how many people would rather see you succeed than fail. And if the latter outnumbers the former, you need to find new people.

Thankful for the people in my life and for the opportunities life brings.  With so many decisions to make, I hope I make the right ones.

If every choice is a fork in the road, well then I'm driving through Jersey, stopped at a 10 way street. (If you've ever driven through Jersey, you'd get it. Their road "system" is insane.)  I'm excited to see where these decisions take me, and anxious to find out who stays and who bails on this hypothetical road trip. The possibilities of it all is enough to make your heart leap.

Hope you decide to come along for the ride! Top down, music blasting, turning off  the GPS and leaving the maps in the glove compartment. Life's faster in the carpool lane. And a lot more fun too.

I feel like I should play "Jesus Take the Wheel". You should youtube it while you re-read this.

Have a little faith.

Election 2012.. Kind of like college football.

• Watching the debates carried the same excitement as conference games. 
• Ohio and Florida were both important players.
• Refreshing CNN.com was like checking ESPN on Sundays for the rankings.
• People complain about the electoral college & people complain about the BCS system (which will be replaced with a four team play off in the 2014 season, if you've been living under a rock).  
• Watching election coverage was like watching the SEC championship (because, yanno, that's the one that matters.)

The thing is, you can't dismiss your country and fellow countrymen just because your guy didn't win, just like you can't abandon "your team" during a losing season. That would make you a band wagoner.. a fly by fan. That is just silly. And so un-American. So un-patriotic.

I appreciate your passion, I do. But there is also such a thing as being mean and rude and inconsiderate.

Faith in humanity. Faith in your country. Faith in whatever higher power that you so choose. We can do that, yanno? It's America. The greatest country in the world.

I'm American. And I'm Christian. 
Both of those things tell me that we'll be fine.

On a more light-hearted note, here are some fun photos from a trip to out nation's capital in July 2009. Go America! And Go Gators! (Because there's never a wrong time to say either of those things.)

Turning Points.

My summer in Spain changed me forever. I learned about myself and my own capabilities. It taught me that I can do anything. That everything always turns out fine.

My summer in the Philippines changed me forever. I learned about my faith and God's capabilities. It taught me that I can do anything. That everything always turns out fine.

Trust life. Trust yourself. Trust God. Then we ain't got nothin' to worry about.

Detour

Amidst my lethargy of late, I was reading through this blog and realized that on this journey to becoming I've begun to lose the person I was.

I was scrolling through my older posts that took me to earlier this year: my move to Fort Myers and then my subsequent move back to NY; then back to my first trip to the Philippines; and back even further, to the very beginning, all the way to my first day at Parsons, and the endless, grueling days, nights and months that followed, through projects and sewing and late nights at school, Jersey commutes and finding that perfect NY apartment.

I was excited. Enthusiastic. Hopeful. In all of those moments, I had no doubt that I where I was supposed to be; that that was what I meant to be doing. It wasn't always easy, but whatever it was, it was right, simply because I was there. I was so sure, so certain, and right now I'm delving deep to find that excitement, enthusiasm and hopefulness that was there.

Why then, in this moment, does everything feel not right? It seems that whatever avenue I drive down, I make a u-turn because it wasn't the place I was looking for. That has left me searching for a path I can navigate confidently through, but gas light is flickering and everyone else seems to be zooming right on by.

Patience and prayer. I'll get there eventually.

Perks

Fact: When I read first read The Perks of Being a Wallflower in my adolescence, I downloaded songs from the mix tape Charlie gave Patrick for Secret Santa (p. 62!) because I wanted to feel infinite too.

Nerd alert.

A Lifelong Exchange

At my cousin's wedding, each guest was asked to leave a message for the couple.

With the conversations described below still fresh, this was my wish for them.

Love at first sight? I'm not sure about that. Attraction begins, as a friend of mine put it, with that initial conversation. That's what captivates you and sparks your interest in the first place.

So maybe a relationship is just a really long and a really good conversation-- one that keeps you from being bored, where you listen, and where you, yourself, feel heard.

Then marrying that person is hoping that conversation will never end.

But when there are no more words, well, then maybe the only thing left to be said is "goodbye".

Father Knows Best

If you know me at all, you know that I am the quintessential daddy's girl. And after this summer, the one that will be written in the books as the summer of our Daddy/Daughter Asia Adventure, I can, with utmost certainty, say that he is one of my best friends.

Always reminding me of my priorities and what really matters in life, I ask for his advice and talk to my dad more now than ever. (His advice is always the same: Just pray.)

Tonight, I needed one of his talks. With so many options and directions that my life can go, I called my dad and filled him in on what in the world is going on. Taking all things into account.. What are the jobs? Will I be happy doing that? What does it pay? Are there health benefits? Where would I live? Would I be happy there? How expensive will that be? Where's the closest locale? Will I need a car? How will it benefit my career in the long term?

He finally said, "What do you want to do? If you know what you want to do, then do it. Don't get a job just to get a job. It's a waste of time... Things aren't easy right now, but you have a strong faith and what ever you want to do, God will help you because you have a good heart. So just come home and we'll talk about it and figure it out."

Thanks, Dad.. For really getting who I am and for making me go home.

Just ridin' elephants with my dad in Thailand in August 2012.

How Does It Know?

I can't make this stuff up...

Part of my horoscope from today:

Gypset (gypsy + jet set) living calling your name, Scorpio? Today’s quarter moon in your travel sector activates your wanderlust. 

One of My Favorite Teachers

3) What We Crave  ...Deep down—more than any specific satisfaction or vice—we all crave possibility. In that sense, NYC might be the world’s greatest brand: It makes you feel (goofy as it sounds) like anything can happen.

Reasons why I love that crazy city so much? Here are 49 more from Forbes:
50 Important Lessons NY Taught Me

I love New York.

Loving & Leaving

 Just one more full day before I head out, and my dear cousin, Jane shared this with me:

“You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place, I told him, like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again.”

― Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran

Definitely on my gotta-read-next list.

Lost Pups

My peers and I are in a peculiar place in life. We're not fresh out of college 21 and 22 year olds. We're not 45, married with kids either. (Well, most of us.)

To all of those undergrad kids, we're ancient. Dinosaurs. We've lived passed our prime. Gone are the days of raging all day, errrdaaaay, and generally doing complete bonehead things, feeling so terrible the next day we swear we'll never do it again.. at least not until the next time. Nope, we're not in college anymore.

To the rest of society, though, we're still just wittle babies with all the possibilities and world in front of us, with plenty of time to make mistakes and do other idiotic and bonehead things of a different sort.

This stage that we're in is certainly a generational problem, belonging first to us, the millenials; a luxury really, this journey to self discovery.

We spend a lot of time on introspection, reflection, self-evaluation, a whole lot of "-tions". Older generations look at us like lost, little, spoiled puppies, wandering the streets, sniffing around, peeing on a hydrant then moving on in search of some other territory to claim.

We often call it soul searching, though I am becoming less and less fond of the term. It feels finite, like we have a time limit to figure it all out. Life is a long time. Taking time to travel, taking time for myself; making decisions and changing my mind; planning then altering my plans... The world thinks of us as fleeting, flighty,  flakey, even, when really, these are just freedoms enabled by those before us. I like to think I'm taking full advantage of these liberations.

Soul searching. It makes us sound helpless. But as the saying goes, "all those who wander are not lost." So, I'm gonna throw another "-tion" out there: self actualization. (Thanks Maslow, and psych degree!)

"Life isn't about finding yourself. 

Life is about creating yourself." 

-George Bernard Shaw

You can spend your whole life searching, searching, searching, but search no more. The experiences we have are all a part of becoming-- Becoming whatever and whoever we want. And that happens at any and all points in time.

Starting with riiiiighhht...

NOW.

Saturday Dance Party!

My wild Saturday dance party and the cutie little brat that stops me from getting much work done.

"Longer the Waiting, Sweeter the Kiss" -Josh Turner

I have quite a few friends these days who are in the ministry. Weird. (But in a cool way.) They study for nearly six years (Idk, I could be wrong, but it's a long time) the way you would at any other university. While they're in school, though, they aren't allowed to have a girlfriend. That's the rule.

I went to breakfast with some of them after church, and with no prompt, a couple of them started talking about the hypothetical woman they would marry-- where she's from, what she looks like, etc. At an age when most guys are commitment-phobes and who shudder at the thought of marriage and the word "forever" might as well mean imprisonment, here these guys were, candidly and openly talking about their future, the way we only imagine girls would.

So as a note to all of my single lady friends who are in a rush to get married because everyone else is: Knowing and getting to know a few of them lately, I've come to the conclusion that they are pretty great-- Some of the most amazing men, and certainly God-fearing. You should maybe re-think this timeline of yours because in about three or four years.. Well, what I'm saying is it will be worth the wait.

But you better be some kind of awesome. My friends deserve nothing less.

Stars Aligning

This was my horoscope for last weekend. Yeah, okay.

Weekend Forecast: You’re moving on up, Scorpio! Thanks to a fiery new moon in your career sector on Friday, you’re on the receiving end of some big-time props. It’s hard to be humble, so don’t waste your time trying. Own your power, Scorpio, and be proud of what you’re capable of. Be sure that the higher-ups are fully aware of the incredible headway you’ve made. Be prepared for the possibility of moving into a leadership role with more responsibilities. What other ambitions are high on your list? This new moon is ideal for launching new projects. Visualize where you want to be in six months’ time, and start manifesting. For some Scorpios, that could mean signing, sealing and delivering your two weeks’ notice. The moment has arrived to pursue a life path that nourishes your soul. On Friday you’ll also crave the company of one of your main men. Don’t wait for him to pick up your signals, though. Show a little vulnerability and ask for his help outright. If you had plans to envelop yourself in a Scorpio bubble over the weekend, think again. The Moon grooves through Virgo and your friendship sector on Saturday and Sunday, setting the stage for good times all around. On Saturday, cross-cultural connections sizzle with promising potential. If you can escape till Sunday night, pack a bag and carpool your way out of town. Drop your guard a bit and let new peeps join the fun. One of them could become a friend, business contact or paramour. 

"I want to leave my footprints on the sands of time"

I can't tell you how many times I've cried since I've been in the Philippines. Live it everyday.

Comfort Zone

Twenty-one and a half hours of sitting on my tuckus, I've made it my life goal to make enough to always fly business class when traveling abroad.

We arrived in Pagsanjan around midnight, and I've been back in Phili for less than 24 hours. This is what I've gathered:

No AC, no cable, and last night I spotted a mouse.

So far it doesn't sound much different than my life in NY, if you ask me, so I don't really mind it.

The funny thing is, my dad decided to bring over a flat screen, and is gonna have some AC units installed since he spends a lot of time here since his retirement. I even think NY might have been hotter.

My dad's old house actually might be in better shape than most NYC apartments. Riddle me that.

Unconventional.

The last couple of months have been a bit stressful; the next couple of months will be quite busy. I suppose if it were any less of either, life would just be boring, and I would be a boring person.

Have you ever read and loved a book whose protagonist only made all of the safe choices?

Yeah, me neither.

Define American

A person seldom begins their journey with the intentions of becoming an inspiration, but we should all be aware of our own ability to inspire simply by living.

Read one man's story, and be inspired to live and tell your own. As we continue to inspire each other, there's no telling what we, as a whole, can do.

Read Jose Vargas' essay published in the NY Times in June 2011, "My Life as an Undocumented Immigrant".  He then found the campaign, Define American, which simply promotes the conversation of immigration. This week, TIME Magazine and TIME.com is front paging this story, "Not Legal, Not Leaving".

"Get A Helmet" -Boy Meets World

If everyone just quit when things got tough, no one would accomplish anything, ever.

This month and a half hasn't been breezy. These last two months haven't been what I expected it to be. I was whining to a friend, and something he said really snapped me back to reality. After I complained, he responded, "A month? That's nothing. You'll be fine." He was right. (Also, many apologies to my friends this month for being a freakin' baby, and many thank yous too.) What's a bad moment, week, month (or several) in the grand scheme of things? It'll be a time you'll look back on and say, "Yeah, it was worth it." It'll be a good story. These not awesome moments are the part in the movie where the protagonist is on the brink of giving up and caving in, and you, in the audience, are rooting for him, hoping he pushes forward and through.

I don't want to worry anyone (Mom and Dad particularly, if you still read this.. and anyone else who may read this and talk to my Mom and Dad). Things aren't that bad; just not ideal. I still stand by every decision I've made up to this point. I still believe that my life goals are worth fighting for, and that the things that I'm doing now will get me there.

Dreams aren't for the faint of heart. They aren't for cowards or quitters. I'm scrappy. I'll be A-okay. We're allowed to be fearful, and we're allowed to be anxious, but don't be either of those things for too long. Turn panic into productivity, because whining and complaining and talking over and over about what didn't happen won't change the past. Take steps to mold your future. Move on, move mountains; JUST MOVE. Make life happen.

It's that whole metaphor about the picnic and the rain. You know, that line in the Outkast song, "You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather." That's what life's been like since I moved back to NY.

Remember: It was ScrappyDoo. Not ScrappyDon't or Scrappy Didn't. (Get it? I crack myself up.)

Flee, Fight, or Fly

New month. Glad that May is over. I woke up and decided that today was going to be a great day, and this month would be better than the last. On a walk around the city, I had a conversation with a friend of mine:

"Yanno those moments when you know that nothing is ideal but realize that everything is right? Today is like that ...  It's letting go of the things we can't control and saying 'f it'. Life is awesome anyways."

Moving on-- from a person, a city, a job-- it doesn't always mean giving up. Sometimes it means its time has simply passed. Sometimes it's realizing that the effort and investment you put in won't be met with an equal or greater return or reciprocated at all.

Go forward. How else will you come across that thing that is better right? "Better" isn't a fair word. It implies that something wasn't good. So I'll say "right"-- for the time and place you're in, that next thing will be right.

"Love is a Verb." -JM

I clicked a button that solidified a decision I made about a year and a half ago. After my trip to the Philippines in January 2011, I decided that I wanted to organize a project to help the people there. Monday morning, it became official. I sent an e-mail reaching out to my friends and family, telling them of my experience and what I wanted to do.

The entire weekend I was so anxious. It was nerve wracking. I have been working on bits and pieces of this for so long it seems, and now it's out there, floating around for people to see and read and feel, and I can only hope they receive it warmly.

Deep breaths. And keep on working. And pray, of course.

That's how it will get done.

Here's a glimpse into my little heart.

Nostalgia

Picos de Europa, Spain 2007

It has been five years since Santander, but I think about that perfect summer everyday and all the ways it changed me.

http://www.bigthink.com/ideas/why-traveling-abroad-makes-us-more-creative?page=all

Ramblings of a Crazy Person

I love that moment when you discover something beautiful.
I make secret goals for people.
I revel in my friends' accomplishments like I would my own.
I really believe that we are capable of doing anything.
I think that you should learn something from every person you meet.
You should leave a place better than you left it.
When you leave a person, they should feel more uplifted than when you first got there.
I love hearing people's life stories and learning about the things, people, and events that have shaped them.
I appreciate others' opinions, except when they're wrong.
I get that college was awesome. It absolutely was. But real life is pretty freakin' cool too.
I believe that if the work week was 4 days, we'd all be a lot more productive. And happier.
You should follow your instincts.
Being grumpy is a waste of energy.
It's okay to vent, but it bothers me when people complain then don't do anything about.
Life is whatever you want it to be.
I'm grateful. For everything. Everyday. 

It's true.

And don't you dare forget it.

I Blame Disney Movies and Country Music

Because I'm a hopeless romantic.

Morning Thoughts

Somedays I wake up and think about how crazy it is that I live in New York (again). Then I remember that I lived in Fort Myers. And that is way crazier.

Fact

Central Park

Nothing beats spring time in the city.

New Yorkers are ready to put away their boots and winter coats and replace them with sandals and sundresses. They leave their shoebox apartments and head for the great outdoors, exploring the Park, the streets, and rediscovering NY and all of its beauty.

It's what is does, yanno. You hate it all winter long, and just like that, it will make you fall in love with it again.

Split

New York has my soul and Florida has my heart.

Reminder

Stay hungry. Stay humble.

Dreams About Flying

On top of the world.

Had a great first weekend-- great first week, actually-- back in the city. Roaming and reacquainting myself with the city and old friends, and the unexpected bonus of possibly making new ones, I can't help but be grateful for all it.

Saturday was one of those nights when I asked myself, "Wait.. This is where I really live?"

Yup. It's real life. And it is wonderfully beautiful.

Back At One

Central Park, November 2011

I'm not sure it's quite hit me yet that I'm going back to NY. I'm not sure how long I'll be there. Maybe I'll be there through the end of the year, maybe until next May. I don't know.

I know on my next big move, I'll be there to stay.

I know that I'm going back to get lots and lots of work done.

I know my short term goals, and my long term goals,

and I'm ready for all of the things that are going to happen in between meeting each one.

This year's motto is a toss up between "Don't play the result" and "becoming". I'm not sure which applies best to this moment in particular. Maybe it's both?

Hoodies Up

Petition at UF

This post isn't about my opinion on the Trayvon Martin case. Or this one. Or why this incident in particular has garnered a great deal of attention. We always wonder why this one or not that one. On an unrelated note, it's like when people asked why are we only talking about Jonbenet or Maddie Clifton when there are others just like them, going unnoticed.

There are enough people debating those things: the racism and the why's.

What gets me though, is how so much hate still exists. Hate crime? Possible. Reactions of hate? Definitely. What happened is terrible. He was just a kid. What is also terrible is how much faith we've lost in humanity, immediately pulling the race card, and dividing ourself in a blatant way.

Reading that peaceful protests of the past were futile tears me to pieces, and I have to disagree. I'd say we've come a long way. We have a long way to go, apparently, but I like to think that we, as a human race have moved forward. My president is black. I voted for Barack Obama, but I still wasn't sure that it would happen in my lifetime. America surprised me. I thought to myself, "Maybe we're a bit further than I give us credit for."

I will never understand where hate comes from. I'll never understand how people could think that it could help anyone or anything.

My heart breaks every time I hear the "n" word, or the word "fag". When randoms on the street yell out, "ching chong ching", all I could think is, "Really?" I had no idea the world was still in 1st grade. It gets under my skin in a way that makes me shudder.

But you know, we can't control other people's actions, nor their opinions. We can't dictate what others believe. So instead of trying to "fix" other people, as cliche as it is, we should probably just begin with ourselves.

One day, far from now, when my kids hear about stories like this, I hope they are just as confused as to how people could carry so much hate.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate:only love can do that." -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Don't Blink

I know they tell us to enjoy our youth. They say that as 20-somethings, we get way to anxious about our future; that this age is about discovery and learning who we are.

As a 20-something, I am enjoying the present. I'm enjoying figuring out who I am, and experiencing life as it unfolds in a way I never imagined. It's only natural, though, to think about the future. Maybe I do it too often, but I promise I'm trying to not become so obsessive.

I'm heading back to the city, and I couldn't be more excited. It's going to be my home for a bit longer, but I never saw myself staying there long term. Most people can't. Great for now, not forever.

The last few years, I've been a bit of a gypsy. My friends tell me that they can hardly keep up with where I am, and that they every time they talk to me, they expect some drastic change. I've kind of been floating, but more like a balloon tied to a string; a very, very long string. The point of anchor, until recently.. no clue. With every city I'd visit, I'd try to picture my life there. I'd think about my career, how far it was from my family and friends, and I'd pay attention to how it felt. I believe that certain places, people, things, just feel right. I felt it on my first visit to Gainesville. I felt it when I sat in that chair when I toured Parsons.

This nomadic lifestyle is exhausting. I'd really love to have a home base. I love NY. It's a place I will always go back to, but it isn't it. If I'm going with that gut feeling, I could tell you what it's saying right now. For now though, I'll leave you with a list of cities I really, REALLY like:

San Francisco, CA. I love San Francisco's culture. It's liberal. It's indie. It satisfies my inner hippie, while letting be a city girl until my heart's content. The worse thing about it, besides the gruesomely long flight back to Florida and the hours I'd lose on trips home, is the number of times I'd hear "hella".

Orlando, FL. Never in a million years did I think I'd want to live there, but it's a great place for young professionals; just full of yuppies. Growing up in Jax, I was never particularly fond of the city known for so many tourist attractions. Plus, being in central florida, um, how far is the beach? But downtown is fun, and places like Winter Park are at my disposal.

Charleston, SC. When it comes to southern charm, Charleston epitomizes it. The Carolinas are just beautiful in general. There's no wonder why Nicholas Spark's novels are all set there, and why Josh Turner sings about that state all day. I'm smitten, but I'll limit it to downtown Charleston. It's a little sketch outside of that.

I'd proofread this and come up with a concluding paragraph, and make sense of all of the ideas in this post, but it's nearly 1AM and I'm tired. So there. I have a much more thorough list of pros and cons for each, but I'm going to spare you the details.

Oh, and which city is my pick? Well, I don't want to jinx it.

How To Succeed

I could never say that I had a hard life. I've never had to experience real struggle. I've always had food on my plate, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. I have the most supportive parents you could imagine. I'm just truly and unbelievably fortunate.

About three years ago.. I don't wanna say life was bad, because it wasn't; but I felt like life wasn't as good as it could be.

2009 wasn't the most stellar of years. There was a lot of uncertainty and confusion, a lot of heart break and a lot of tears. I remember going back to the things I love, because I couldn't figure out what was missing, hoping those things would shed some light on whatever it was I was looking for because I felt like I was searching in the dark. I read and re-read my favorite books. I painted. I wrote. I spent more time with my family. I spent more time on myself.

Fast forward to the present, and I feel like I need to pinch myself because it's hard to believe that all the decisions I've made since then and to this point were the right ones, and all the doubts I had in myself and in the future are just ghosts.

If success is happiness, I've found the key:

1. Do good.

2. Be nice.

3. Work hard.

4. Trust in your future, in God, the Universe; that something greater than yourself wants you to be successful and happy, and will bring you there if you just let it.

Revision

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2011

Honest Moment

Living in NY is probably the closest thing I've had to a relationship.

Head over heels in the beginning,
get past the honeymoon phase,
then reality hits.
It's not all sunshine and butterflies, yanno,
but you learn to take the good with the bad
because when it's good, it's awesome.
You learn how to compromise.

You get used to his bad habits.

When you think you've had enough,
he reminds you why you've stuck around so long in the first place.
You miss him when he's gone.
He shows and teaches you news things.He inspires you everyday.

Even when it's over,

you know that it's never really over.
And when all is said and done,
you know you'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

Sometimes, when you just can't take it anymore, 
you may even find yourself right back where you started.

Early retirement ends Friday. Back to the city in 3.

Incoherent

I am so grateful and feel completely undeserving of each and every opportunity that comes my way, but why does it seem like every time I make a decision, something comes along that makes me wonder and doubt that I'm making the right choice?

Every thing I do is a step towards where I want to be, but how do I know which is the best route? Is it that first thing that we supposedly decided on? Or did that second option come along because that is the better choice? Or is it God's way of letting us know that we have options, but the first one was first for a reason, like it came along after the decision making just in case you were going to choose the second, because that would be the real mistake.

Merr. Dude. I don't even know if any of that made any sense at all.

Yachta Relax

My Good Morning

I'm convinced that this is the most beautiful city I will ever live in. Everyday, I drive on a street that is lined with palm trees on both sides. It's the middle of February, and the weather is absolutely perfect. I wake up to a beautiful view from my balcony, and see the sun shining on the pond. When I look across the golf course, you see across to the Cape, and the bridge that links the two cities.

I'm living in a place that, at this point in my life, I do not deserve. To understand that statement, you should know that because of a miscommunication at work, for two months I am living in Yacht/Tennis/Golf Community, meant for the retired and for vacationers. I definitely can't afford this place. While it's nice, I never saw myself as a yacht club/let's vacation in Southwest Florida kind of person even if I could afford it.

It's almost like it was God's way of saying, "Hey. You may not have worked for this quite yet, but believe me you will. You will be working for a really long time, so be sure to enjoy this now." It's like he wanted me to experience things I literally never dreamed of having.

I have had a stellar week. Everyday I am grateful, and I think one way of showing your gratitude is by really appreciating where you are and what you're going through; you owe each day and each place an acknowledgment that it exists.

I run from my condo to the marina, where I do a short circuit between two benches along the water, running, lunging, box jumping. Right before I head back home, I can't help but pause for a second. I walk to the end of one of the docks, and look out. It is just gorgeous and unreal. I really have to ask myself sometimes, "Is this really my life? Am I really here?"

On my run last night, I got to the marina, and by the restaurant/picnic area, there was live music playing, dancing, and just people having a great time. The band was playing Brown Eyed Girl. Walking on the dock, I knew tonight's pause was going to be a little longer. I stood and listened, trying to come up with excuses to stay out there without seeming like a creeper. I walked back towards land, and I just had to stop one more time. The lights were shining through the tent. It's like I was outside of myself, hovering over and seeing this life was unbelievably mine.

I decided it was time to head home. I left towards the end of "Wonderful Tonight". And, as cheesy as it sounds, if you had a day like mine, you'd feel as wonderful as I did at that moment.

When in Rome

Ft. Myers is beautiful, and I am thankful to be here, but I think it'd be more awesome if I were 40-45ish, married and with a family, or in my 60s and retired.

I am neither of those things, but I've decided that I'm going to pretend I'm on a super early retirement plan and that working in fashion is my day time hobby.

...at least for as long as I'm here.

I guess I should take up golf, or tennis, or find someone with a boat?

Dreamers Who Do

The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreams who do. - Sarah Ban Breathnach

Having dreams is not what makes us crazy. Taking a "non-traditional" route doesn't mean we're crazy either. Even if it does, my friend, Paul, reassures me that it's the crazy ones that become the movers and shakers. The crazies are the ones taking chances; taking risks others wouldn't. It's looking fear dead in the eyes instead of running in the opposite direction. We understand that difficult doesn't mean impossible, and that obstacles are placed not as an impediment, but as a challenge meant to be overcome.

I. Feel. Crazy.

...Crazy because sometimes I feel like my dreams are so much bigger than myself. I am one single person. Who am I to think that I can accomplish anything at all? It's not that I feel like I'm unaccomplished. I feel like every accomplishment is just a step towards realizing that bigger picture. I don't want to change the world. You don't do things thinking you can affect someone's life. That's not our responsibility, nor should it ever be our goal. Instead, we should live, not with that intention, but knowing that we have the ability to.

In my bouts of what I am now calling Beautiful Mind crazy, I become intensely focused, which is followed closely by moments of self doubt. Over the years, I've learned two things:

1. Surround yourself with people who have dreams of their own. Their drive will inspire you to make your own moves, to do more. It makes you not feel so crazy; and if you are, well, then, you both are. At least you're in good company.
Sure, I understand when people want to do things on their own. I've also learned that people are more than willing to be there for you, to help you, and to believe in you when you don't have the energy to believe in yourself. When I "make it", I want to share those moments with the people I love, which will be the very same people who helped me get there.
What's happiness if you're not sharing it.

2. Pray more. Too much worrying just means you're not trusting enough.

Full Speed Ahead

ON IT.

...As my boss would say.

Excited about the future.

OMG.. Shoes.

So stinkin' funny. I absolutely had to share. Oh, and happy 2012!