The 3 F's

Three cities. Five homes. In 2012, I have been all over the map, literally and figuratively. It was certainly a year of change; a wild roller coaster ride that thrilled and scared me all at the same time.

Through all of the ups and downs, the biggest and most important points of change and growth were in my faith. In every bone that builds my 4'10" frame, I can feel the shift. I don't know when, or how, or why, I just know that it did. 

I have learned to trust. I've learned to listen. While I still have my tendency to panic, what eases my anxiety is knowing that everything happens when and how it should, at the right time and for the right reasons.

I'm still struggling to distinguish between the time to be patient and the time to take control because fate has taken you has far as it needs to. I'm still having trouble deciding whether an obstacle is a sign to stop or just a challenge to be overcome. Maybe I'll never figure that out. Maybe I'm not supposed to.

This process of becoming is exhausting. But I'll take exhausting over boring any day.

And the only things that can get me through this crazy ride? Faith. Family. Friends.

Happy New Year! See you in 2013, everyone :)

Growth

This is my 2009 reflection post that I'd posted on Facebook but has since been lost. This was right before the first move to New York, before I started this blog. I'm re-posting it as a reminder of how far I've come, how things have both changed and stayed the same, and how I am so ready for the next thing. 2012 reflection post to come ;)


Wednesday, December 30, 2009

So 2009 easily goes to the bottom of my list of favorite years. It had its bright spots, and I am 100% aware of how blessed I am. But really. 2009 can suck it. I'm sorry. There's just no eloquent way to say it. I've thought about it, and expressing it this way truly captures the essence of this year. At the end of each year, I like to sit and reflect on the last 12 months. Go over the ups and the downs. Examine my relationships with my family and friends. It kind of keeps me in check. Keeps me on track. So that I'm never too far from the person I was, nor from the person I'd like to become. Well, this year, besides the ups and the downs, there was a lot of going around in circles. If you had at all been in tune to life post-grad, then you know that life had been pretty much turned upside down. Spain didn't happen. (Actually, a lot of things just didn't happen.) All of a sudden, the plans that I made for months were out the window. And I was terrified. I've spent the better part of this year wondering what I should be doing, what my next step should be, lost, confused and with little direction. I had to keep telling myself "where ever you are is exactly where you're supposed to be". As scared as I was, I had to keep on believing that everything would fall into place, and that life would unravel in its own way, and on its own time. Whenever I had these moments of doubt, my dad would always remind me to pray. Every time. Without fail. And that's something I have always loved and admired about my dad. How he is a man of such great faith. And so I did. I prayed a lot. I was in my favorite secondhand bookstore today, and came across a little book of quotes. Some of them were crap. A lot were super cliche. And this one, as simple and cliche as it may be, kind of just hit the spot. "Trust eliminates fear." And that's what I had to do a lot of this year. Trust. Believe. Etc. You go on believing that everything happens for a reason. That the plan that God has for you is infinitely better than the one that you've made for yourself. And you learn that our prayers are often answered, but sometimes it's just not the answer we were looking or hoping for. And after that, there's nothing to do but move forward. So this my proposal to everyone who has had a pretty crappy 2009. While I'm not a huge believer in new years resolutions, I am a big believer in being happy. And sometimes that requires change. I do think it is a little silly that we wait until the new year to make changes, because there's no real reason why we couldn't start now. But this time, I'll make an exception. I say you take the last couple days left of 2009, and immerse yourself in all of the negative emotions that you've felt. Whether you've been incredibly stressed, sad, depressed, bitter, angry, any or all of the aforementioned.. You're allowed to feel that way up until the last second of 2009. If you've ever read Tuesdays with Morrie (and if you haven't, ya should), it's kind of like that. Some mornings he'd cry and mourn over himself, and let his grief wash over him. He allows himself to feel that emotion completely. So I recommend that you dive head first into all of those things that you've been feeling. Then you can say you've experienced that emotion. You can recognize it. And then you can detach yourself from it. I am all about leavin it in 2009. There are wonderful things ahead, and you won't want any unnecessary baggage weighing you down. The Jenna Taino Saga: The College Years has come to a close. And I've been on hiatus for about 6 months. I won't even say that 2010 begins a new chapter. Because this is a different volume completely. Can't wait for the adventures, and to share these new experiences with the people I love. Stay tuned, because you won't wanna miss this ;) Have a very happy and blessed new year, everyone. I love you all very much <3 td="td">

Girl On Fire

Hey, New York. I'm back.

While I was in the Philippines this summer, I thought that I was done with New York once and for all; that maybe all of the hoopla that happened with my perfect apartment happened for a reason, so that I could extend my trip, and/or begin a new chapter, because maybe, just maybe, my time in the greatest city in the world was up.

Then an opportunity absolutely blindsided me and suddenly NY was back on the table. What about those signs that I prayed about? Well, I got my answer, but I forgot to ask where to next, and when to make my move. And why had the option to return come about at all? Opportunities like this don’t just happen; not in this economy and certainly not in this industry.

It was time to (re)consider everything: New York? Florida? Or did I forget to check behind curtain #3? Paralyzed by my own indecision and perhaps fear, I went in circles.

The most reassuring thing was no matter what the final decision was, I had full faith that it would be a step towards the end goal. I considered the pros and cons of all of my choices. I made my lists, my charts, yanno, normal JT stuff. Money, moving, time… In the end, the deciding factor was me.

I love Florida, yanno. I can totally see myself there in the future. That was the thing though.  Maybe it's reserved for my future rather than my present.

I love my family. I love being so close to my friends. But I hate the person that I am when I’m home. I’m impatient, bratty, short tempered, not nearly as productive, kind of negative, and generally ho-hum; the complete opposite of the person I feel like I usually am everywhere else, with anyone else, and in any other situation.. I even wondered then, is that my true self? No. Because in every odd and new situation I put myself in, in every other experience, I’m that positive, level headed, overly cheerful and wildly optimistic person that I take so much pride in being. But when I’m back, it’s as if I regress to my former child state, because while I’ve grown and learned and moved forward in my journey towards becoming, to everyone at home, I am that impatient, short tempered brat.  You’re bucketed into your past self. I think that’s what happens though. You move away at 17-18, and when you return, to those people, you’re still that age; you’re still that person. You allow those projections to take a hold of you and react accordingly.

You have to like the person you are. You’re stuck with you forever, so you might as well try to be the best version of yourself.

But besides that, living in the shadows to silently hone away at my endless to-do list and slowly working my way on to the scene and market was not how I envisioned my grand return. Nope. When I get back for good, I want to set this place on fire. I want to walk in ready, and to put it quite simply, just shut it down.

Long story just slight shorter, I chose New York. I can’t say that I’ve ever had a real, functional, healthy relationship, but I’ve had two defining ones, and one of them is with this damn city. It has taken a hold of me once again and I just can't shake its grip. All right, New York. You have my attention. Right now, I’m all yours.

For those creative souls out there...

Shared by my former classmate and first Parsons friend, Kate Chen.

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” ― Ira Glass

Faith

Once we begin to understand and believe that everything happens for a reason, then even the not so great things don't seem so bad.

A Country Song of a Different Sort

The superstition that death comes in threes is haunting, isn't it? Maybe it's like when you have a car, all of a sudden you notice it on the road everywhere. Even today's episodes of Boy Meets World were sad and made me cry.. back-to-back. (Who knew episodes like that even existed?)

A fittingly cold and gloomy day to conclude the week that has passed. The world is crying. May we all gain comfort knowing that our loved ones are simply resting, and find peace and solace believing and trusting in God's plan.

To my family and friends who have lost someone special these last couple of days in particular..



Home soon.

Cocoon Shedding

People seem to be impressed with or at least like to acknowledge my seemingly nonchalant attitude about taking on new cities and/or adventures. The truth is, if you know me at all, I am hardly unflappable. But there is a time for panic and a time for problem solving. A crisis only gets worse if you do the former for too long.

Anyways, this isn't about that...

I have too many friends who talk about leaving, but don't. Finances aside, the getting up and going isn't that hard. You just do it.

Starting a new life in a new city, you can be whoever you want to be, unattached to the connotations of your former self. That was your old life; that was the old you.

Starting over is easy. You get a clean slate.

It's deciding which pieces of your old self you want to keep that is difficult. Which parts do you take along with you on your new adventure, and which are meant to be left behind?

Lately, I've described myself as an emotional hoarder. I seem to love the people I meet, the things I do, the places I see just way too much, too often, and perhaps too long. Rather than outgrowing interests and relationships, I try to keep them all. I don't know if that's good or bad. Maybe both.

Which parts do you take along with you on your new adventure, and which are meant to be left behind?

That is something I'm still trying to figure out for myself.