Back At One

Central Park, November 2011

I'm not sure it's quite hit me yet that I'm going back to NY. I'm not sure how long I'll be there. Maybe I'll be there through the end of the year, maybe until next May. I don't know.

I know on my next big move, I'll be there to stay.

I know that I'm going back to get lots and lots of work done.

I know my short term goals, and my long term goals,

and I'm ready for all of the things that are going to happen in between meeting each one.

This year's motto is a toss up between "Don't play the result" and "becoming". I'm not sure which applies best to this moment in particular. Maybe it's both?

Hoodies Up

Petition at UF

This post isn't about my opinion on the Trayvon Martin case. Or this one. Or why this incident in particular has garnered a great deal of attention. We always wonder why this one or not that one. On an unrelated note, it's like when people asked why are we only talking about Jonbenet or Maddie Clifton when there are others just like them, going unnoticed.

There are enough people debating those things: the racism and the why's.

What gets me though, is how so much hate still exists. Hate crime? Possible. Reactions of hate? Definitely. What happened is terrible. He was just a kid. What is also terrible is how much faith we've lost in humanity, immediately pulling the race card, and dividing ourself in a blatant way.

Reading that peaceful protests of the past were futile tears me to pieces, and I have to disagree. I'd say we've come a long way. We have a long way to go, apparently, but I like to think that we, as a human race have moved forward. My president is black. I voted for Barack Obama, but I still wasn't sure that it would happen in my lifetime. America surprised me. I thought to myself, "Maybe we're a bit further than I give us credit for."

I will never understand where hate comes from. I'll never understand how people could think that it could help anyone or anything.

My heart breaks every time I hear the "n" word, or the word "fag". When randoms on the street yell out, "ching chong ching", all I could think is, "Really?" I had no idea the world was still in 1st grade. It gets under my skin in a way that makes me shudder.

But you know, we can't control other people's actions, nor their opinions. We can't dictate what others believe. So instead of trying to "fix" other people, as cliche as it is, we should probably just begin with ourselves.

One day, far from now, when my kids hear about stories like this, I hope they are just as confused as to how people could carry so much hate.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate:only love can do that." -Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Don't Blink

I know they tell us to enjoy our youth. They say that as 20-somethings, we get way to anxious about our future; that this age is about discovery and learning who we are.

As a 20-something, I am enjoying the present. I'm enjoying figuring out who I am, and experiencing life as it unfolds in a way I never imagined. It's only natural, though, to think about the future. Maybe I do it too often, but I promise I'm trying to not become so obsessive.

I'm heading back to the city, and I couldn't be more excited. It's going to be my home for a bit longer, but I never saw myself staying there long term. Most people can't. Great for now, not forever.

The last few years, I've been a bit of a gypsy. My friends tell me that they can hardly keep up with where I am, and that they every time they talk to me, they expect some drastic change. I've kind of been floating, but more like a balloon tied to a string; a very, very long string. The point of anchor, until recently.. no clue. With every city I'd visit, I'd try to picture my life there. I'd think about my career, how far it was from my family and friends, and I'd pay attention to how it felt. I believe that certain places, people, things, just feel right. I felt it on my first visit to Gainesville. I felt it when I sat in that chair when I toured Parsons.

This nomadic lifestyle is exhausting. I'd really love to have a home base. I love NY. It's a place I will always go back to, but it isn't it. If I'm going with that gut feeling, I could tell you what it's saying right now. For now though, I'll leave you with a list of cities I really, REALLY like:

San Francisco, CA. I love San Francisco's culture. It's liberal. It's indie. It satisfies my inner hippie, while letting be a city girl until my heart's content. The worse thing about it, besides the gruesomely long flight back to Florida and the hours I'd lose on trips home, is the number of times I'd hear "hella".

Orlando, FL. Never in a million years did I think I'd want to live there, but it's a great place for young professionals; just full of yuppies. Growing up in Jax, I was never particularly fond of the city known for so many tourist attractions. Plus, being in central florida, um, how far is the beach? But downtown is fun, and places like Winter Park are at my disposal.

Charleston, SC. When it comes to southern charm, Charleston epitomizes it. The Carolinas are just beautiful in general. There's no wonder why Nicholas Spark's novels are all set there, and why Josh Turner sings about that state all day. I'm smitten, but I'll limit it to downtown Charleston. It's a little sketch outside of that.

I'd proofread this and come up with a concluding paragraph, and make sense of all of the ideas in this post, but it's nearly 1AM and I'm tired. So there. I have a much more thorough list of pros and cons for each, but I'm going to spare you the details.

Oh, and which city is my pick? Well, I don't want to jinx it.

How To Succeed

I could never say that I had a hard life. I've never had to experience real struggle. I've always had food on my plate, a roof over my head, and clothes on my back. I have the most supportive parents you could imagine. I'm just truly and unbelievably fortunate.

About three years ago.. I don't wanna say life was bad, because it wasn't; but I felt like life wasn't as good as it could be.

2009 wasn't the most stellar of years. There was a lot of uncertainty and confusion, a lot of heart break and a lot of tears. I remember going back to the things I love, because I couldn't figure out what was missing, hoping those things would shed some light on whatever it was I was looking for because I felt like I was searching in the dark. I read and re-read my favorite books. I painted. I wrote. I spent more time with my family. I spent more time on myself.

Fast forward to the present, and I feel like I need to pinch myself because it's hard to believe that all the decisions I've made since then and to this point were the right ones, and all the doubts I had in myself and in the future are just ghosts.

If success is happiness, I've found the key:

1. Do good.

2. Be nice.

3. Work hard.

4. Trust in your future, in God, the Universe; that something greater than yourself wants you to be successful and happy, and will bring you there if you just let it.

Revision

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2011

Honest Moment

Living in NY is probably the closest thing I've had to a relationship.

Head over heels in the beginning,
get past the honeymoon phase,
then reality hits.
It's not all sunshine and butterflies, yanno,
but you learn to take the good with the bad
because when it's good, it's awesome.
You learn how to compromise.

You get used to his bad habits.

When you think you've had enough,
he reminds you why you've stuck around so long in the first place.
You miss him when he's gone.
He shows and teaches you news things.He inspires you everyday.

Even when it's over,

you know that it's never really over.
And when all is said and done,
you know you'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

Sometimes, when you just can't take it anymore, 
you may even find yourself right back where you started.

Early retirement ends Friday. Back to the city in 3.

Incoherent

I am so grateful and feel completely undeserving of each and every opportunity that comes my way, but why does it seem like every time I make a decision, something comes along that makes me wonder and doubt that I'm making the right choice?

Every thing I do is a step towards where I want to be, but how do I know which is the best route? Is it that first thing that we supposedly decided on? Or did that second option come along because that is the better choice? Or is it God's way of letting us know that we have options, but the first one was first for a reason, like it came along after the decision making just in case you were going to choose the second, because that would be the real mistake.

Merr. Dude. I don't even know if any of that made any sense at all.

Yachta Relax

My Good Morning

I'm convinced that this is the most beautiful city I will ever live in. Everyday, I drive on a street that is lined with palm trees on both sides. It's the middle of February, and the weather is absolutely perfect. I wake up to a beautiful view from my balcony, and see the sun shining on the pond. When I look across the golf course, you see across to the Cape, and the bridge that links the two cities.

I'm living in a place that, at this point in my life, I do not deserve. To understand that statement, you should know that because of a miscommunication at work, for two months I am living in Yacht/Tennis/Golf Community, meant for the retired and for vacationers. I definitely can't afford this place. While it's nice, I never saw myself as a yacht club/let's vacation in Southwest Florida kind of person even if I could afford it.

It's almost like it was God's way of saying, "Hey. You may not have worked for this quite yet, but believe me you will. You will be working for a really long time, so be sure to enjoy this now." It's like he wanted me to experience things I literally never dreamed of having.

I have had a stellar week. Everyday I am grateful, and I think one way of showing your gratitude is by really appreciating where you are and what you're going through; you owe each day and each place an acknowledgment that it exists.

I run from my condo to the marina, where I do a short circuit between two benches along the water, running, lunging, box jumping. Right before I head back home, I can't help but pause for a second. I walk to the end of one of the docks, and look out. It is just gorgeous and unreal. I really have to ask myself sometimes, "Is this really my life? Am I really here?"

On my run last night, I got to the marina, and by the restaurant/picnic area, there was live music playing, dancing, and just people having a great time. The band was playing Brown Eyed Girl. Walking on the dock, I knew tonight's pause was going to be a little longer. I stood and listened, trying to come up with excuses to stay out there without seeming like a creeper. I walked back towards land, and I just had to stop one more time. The lights were shining through the tent. It's like I was outside of myself, hovering over and seeing this life was unbelievably mine.

I decided it was time to head home. I left towards the end of "Wonderful Tonight". And, as cheesy as it sounds, if you had a day like mine, you'd feel as wonderful as I did at that moment.