Not a Baby Step of Faith

This summer, nearly done, has been a lot about goodbyes and new beginnings. I've graduated (again), but this time with something that I 100% believe in. I feel good.. happy with my decision to abandon psychology and go to Parsons. I'm scared. Scared out of my freakin' mind. Graduating from UF, there was the pressure to figure things out. Now there's the pressure to make it happen; to succeed.

Some of my friends are in the same boat. Whether it was Parsons or grad school, several of us are on the job hunt. We've decided what direction we'd like our lives to take, but the time table in which that happens is beyond our control.

So while many of us are practicing patience in this wretched economy, other friends are re-thinking the path they're on. And while I was perusing through friends' blogs, I came across a post from a friend who is anxious to take that leap.

"I'm terrified that I would completely fail, become completely broke, and have to move back home but at this step in my life, the idea of me never figuring out and always wondering "what if" terrifies me even more than failure." -Ayeh


That part really resonated with me. And it reminded me of one of those voiceovers that Meredith does in Grey's Anatomy. I first took heart to this quote back in undergrad.

Here's the back story: It was the end of my freshmen year, and it was time for tryouts for UF Cheerleading. They were choosing the team for the following year. It sounds silly, because it's cheerleading, but it's something that I desperately wanted to be a part of. I didn't make it the year before, and I had been stunting and doing privates to keep up my skills. Tryouts finally rolled around, I was sitting in front of the building, and I freaked out. I didn't go in. I didn't even get out of the car. I told my friend that I didn't want to go in and to keep driving.

I never expected myself to do that. To not try. I remember going home, crawling into my bed and pulling the covers over my head, the way I did when I was a child and unhappy. All I thought to myself, "Now I have to wait a whole 'nother year." I wanted to go back in time, and do that whole day over again. I was hoping it was a bad dream. Really? Didn't even go up to the door? I decided that I'd never allow myself to do that again.

I found this quote shortly after. (The specific quote is at the very end, but I wanted to share the entire thing.) I typed it in an extra large font on my Xanga, and wrote it on a post-it and stuck it on my wall, as a reminder to never let that happen again. Because being a coward will not get you any where. And while I went on to have the greatest college experience, next time I may not be so lucky. Second chances come few and far between. So it's okay to be afraid. But that's what courage is for. So thank you, Grey's for the reminder.

"A couple hundred years ago Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that 'til tomorrow, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity; you'd think we'd pay more attention to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear if just of making a decision. Because... What if you're wrong? What if you make a mistake you can't undo? Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true: That by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically... 'The early bird catches the worm.' 'A stitch in time saves nine.' 'He who hesitates is lost.' We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time; heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrows run until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of not trying. " -Meredith, Grey's Anatomy