Friday, April 29, 2011

Nothing Less than Butterflies

I was having one of those great catch up calls with one of my oldest and dearest friends, and the subject of relationships came up. He told me that I was too picky, and that what I want doesn't exist.

I tried to explain that it's not about this perfect person. But I just can't help that I want to be crazy in love. I've watched way too many Disney movies as a child, and listen to way too much country to want anything less. I told him this:

Being content is different from being happy.
Being happy is different from being in love.
And being in love is different from being inspired.

And I will always opt to wait for the latter.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Insane in the Membrane

We're in the middle of finals, and I was chatting with one of my fellow classmates and had one of those AHA! moments. As we sat in the studio, delirious from lack of sleep, I had a very important realization.

There are three significant experiences that have completely warped my perspective of.. Well, let me break it down:

(1) Cheerleading - Body Image

You constantly compare yourself to the girls around you, with their chiseled legs, ripped abs, and dimples on their back, and become worried that you'll be too big for guys to throw you in the air, because nobody wants "the Tank" to be quoted after their first name. Even if you didn't care at first, you hear other girls freak out over an oreo and run 3 miles because of it, counting calories, and hear them ask, "Are you really gonna eat that?" All of a sudden, you're just as obsessed, and you look in the mirror and see every flaw in your body.

You're fine compared to real world people, but by cheerleading standards, meehhh. Could use a little work.

That's what goes through our head. Isn't that f'ed up? Tearing apart our self image when we should be celebrating it, because 20 years from now, we're gonna look back our photos and say, "Damn. I looked good," and wonder why we never appreciated ourselves back then.

(2) New York - Prices

You can expect lunch to cost at least $10, and dinner to be around $30, if you're lucky. Handing over the rent check is probably the most depressing day of the month; that's a mortgage in most places, and/or acres of land. (And that's also a lot of shopping and travelling) I get home, and I'm ready to say, "It's on me," just because I am so excited. It's ridiculous.

(2) Parsons - Sleep

We take naps at 11:30PM. I have conversations with one of my best friends, Lexy, who does the morning news and has to be at work at 5AM, and I'll be about ready to head to bed. They finally decided to keep the school open 24 hours for finals (about freakin' time) and several of my friends stayed until 6 in the morning, stayed home to shower, and came back. Athan walked in and asked (rhetorically, perhaps... PERHAPS), "Can I go home? I'm going to go home, sleep for an hour, take a shower, and come back. Can I do that?"

I often find myself asking that question. "Is it okay if I go home?" or "Can I sleep just for a little bit?" I remember when I first realized how messed up I was during my first semester. The conversation went something like this:

Friend: "Are you okay?"
Me: "I'm so tired. I don't know why."
Friend: "How long did you sleep?"
Me: "I slept 5 hours!" (I said that proudly, yanno.)

Seriously? Five hours is a good nights rest, and getting three to four hours of shut eye is still considered fortunate.

MAN. I am MESSED up.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

All work an no play makes Jenna a dull girl.

For the last few months, I've found myself past the point of homesick, and was getting used to the idea of just being over New York. Don't get me wrong - I think it's this great city that's unlike any other place, but I guess the best way to explain how I've been feeling is by comparing it to Gainesville. Gainesville is this quintessential college town, perfect for the time I went there, but when undergrad ends, you know that it's time to move on. I was beginning to think NY was becoming that for me, especially with school ending soon. It's very much a transition place. I never expected to live here long term. But I didn't think I'd be over it so quickly.

I just started to really miss my family, my friends. The sunshine. The beach.

Most people know how much I loathe the cold, and this past winter was especially brutal and especially long. I started to tally all the cons for NY: the dirty subway, the garbage on the sidewalk, the scary homeless people, and the general filth and pungent smells.

I kept trying to remember all the reasons why I fell in love with this city, but the cons of NY plus the pros of Florida were just beginning to be too much.

I try to maintain a balance between school and non-school life. I was really hoping that it'd be better this semester, especially since I've been considering moving afterwards, but it's tough. The program is so short and so intense that at some points, even when you spend every waking moment, eating, breathing, smelling work, you know that it's just not enough time.

We'll average about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night, stay at school until 2AM. And who has time to eat? We get so busy we forget. So we either don't eat, or eat terribly - like dinner from a vending machine: pop tarts, peanut M&Ms, and strawberry fruit snacks to cover all major food groups.

It's that "I'll sleep when I'm dead" mentality. Admirable, but exhausting.

So that's life usually, but this weekend was.. enlightening.

Two of my friends came up, and I just love visitors, especially from home. They keep me sane. Anyways, we've been talking about this trip for quite some time, and I pretty much knew going into this weekend that staying in and doing homework wasn't going to be an option. And it seemed to be exactly what I needed.

I was trying so hard to think of all the reasons why I loved NY when I should have been experiencing it instead. The millions of things that there are to do. The restaurants. These secret little places, and the places everyone knows about. The art. The architecture. The people.

THE PEOPLE. Can't lie. People are just generally way cooler and more interesting here.

Okay, NY. I still heart you.