I'm Doing My Very Best

Seattle has been hard.

My job is fine. My co-workers are great. And a few have become friends that will stay in our lives forever. Coaching has brought back something I love, just in a different form. When we finally leave Seattle, this will be the thing that I miss the very most.

I love our apartment. We moved out of our 600 square feet studio in International District/Chinatown into a true one bedroom in the very hip Capitol Hill. It has a fireplace and a little balcony, and enough room for my giant industrial sewing machine (which I don't use as much as I'd like). Rent is high. We'll never be able to afford a house. But our neighborhood is cool. And don't have a car, which I don't really mind at all.

The weather is mostly as awful as they say. But when it's good, it's perfect. Seattle easily has the best summer I have ever experienced in my life so far.

Seasonal depression is real. I hated my job. I was sluggish. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I thought I was that unhappy and homesick. I cried at least once a week. At least. I never felt so hopeless as I did those couple of months. I realized that it was more than just feeling sad the day I stayed home from work, called one of my best friends, and burst into tears. That's when I realized that this wasn't just sadness, it was depression.

I felt better knowing that I wasn't just that unhappy.

That was then. Now it's spring. And we get hints of it now. The cherry blossoms, the tulips. Bits of sunshine, here and there. Seattle is turning green. The days are getting longer. Hallelujah.

*Deep breath*

Seattle is a special place. This is a special time. It's the first city that JP and I lived not just since we've been married, but the first city we've lived in together. It's not his town, it's not mine. It's ours. And that's awfully special. These friends that we're making, they're ours. The memories: ours.

Years from now, when we're living our best life out in suburbia, we'll look back at our time here and talk about this crazy time with the rosiest colored glasses.

Trying my very best to enjoy it while we're here.

Love Like Ours

Every night much past my bedtime and every morning much past my wake-up time, I take one look at my husband and can't help but smile.

As little girls, we wonder what love would be like. As twenty-somethings, we search... wait... or a little bit of both... for that love to come along.

Everyday, JP shows me what love is. Love is waking up earlier than you need to to make coffee. Love is walking you to the bus in the cold rain. Love is texting a kissy face emoji in the middle of the day. Love is meeting you between your real job and your fun job so you can have a quick dinner together. Love is praying together before bed, then letting you steal the covers through the night.

Love is all of the little things.

Love is all of the big things.

Love is embracing a life together, making plans for the near future and the far future. It is supporting each other's aspirations and helping them reach their wildest dreams. It's letting them know you're in their corner, always.

Every night much past my bedtime and every morning much past my wake-up time, I take one look at my husband and can't help but smile.

We wonder for so long who that person will be who will love us unconditionally.

I smile because I can't believe we found a love like ours.

Happy One Year Anniversary, my love.

Love on the Weekend

JP and I have been married for just over a month, and are settling slowly into our new place. This weekend, JP put up curtains in our studio apartment. We just got a Google Home as a wedding gift (we love it!) and were telling her what to play. Trying to finding something new to play in between Bruno Mar's 24K Magic album, JP plays John Mayer's new song, Love on the Weekend and says, "It's like us".

The song starts

It's a Friday, we finally made it
I can't believe I get to see your face

It made me think of the first time I went to visit JP in Philly. We had already been dating a few months, and I drove up to his place on Manayunk Avenue. He came out with a huge grin on his face and said, "I can't believe you're actually here."

For two years, I would drive down to Manayunk, or he'd come up to Jersey. Sometimes, when he got off work early on Fridays, he'd meet me in New York and we'd spend the evening in the city. The weekend would pass much too quickly, and even though I knew I'd see him again the next week, I was so sad when it was time for one of us to go.

It's been just over four years since we met. And those days of us driving a few hours to see each other seems like so long ago. It was inconvenient, but it was temporary. Now it's over. And of course, it was worth it.

I know we are still in our honeymoon phase, but being married is awesome. Knowing you have someone on your side, someone who is committed to you as much as you are to them, someone who loves you, who considers you, someone to make plans with and around and for... is amazing. It brings about a confidence that you only get from knowing that you have someone who has chosen to be there for you and support you through it all.

After having a short distance relationship, then being engaged cross-country, it is a relief to finally be in the same place. We try to take a little time each day just to hold each other, either right before JP leaves for work, or right before we go to bed. He squeezes me and gives me that same look he did the first time I visited him; the one that says. "I can't believe you're actually here."

Jenna and JP. Married, and loving every minute of it.

2014-06-18

More Than a Hashtag

Being a policeman today is TOUGH. Even a good cop can make bad choices. Not every white cop is racist. If a policeman gets shot and killed in the line of duty, will anyone ask his killer why?

Being a black man in America today is tough. Even a good black man can get killed for playing on the sidewalk, selling cigarettes or CDs, or for having a tail light out. Not every black man is a criminal. When a black man gets shot and killed, we can't ever find the answer as to why.

I couldn't imagine fearing for my life everyday. I couldn't imagine what it's like to be either.

Start of Summer

Two weddings and a birthday. Family in Jax. Friends in New York. A celebration in Seattle. All, it seems, a dream.

It began with the illusive Amanda getting married-- friend, cousin, sister. It was hectic to say the least, but filled with so much love. The cousins have moved all across the country: Colorado, Ohio, Baltimore, North Carolina, Nebraska, Atlanta... Then there's me, and I can hardly keep up with myself! When we get together it is something special, and unfortunately doesn't happen enough. But the love is always the same.

Then there was New York for the other unicorn in my life, Wilzen, so perfect that if reincarnation is real, I would like to come back as her. I was back in the city that made me, in its summer perfection and all of its glory. 

It was almost like a glimpse of what our life could be like in either of those cities.

Leaving was tougher this time around, especially Jacksonville. Saying goodbye to my parents was awful. It had finally hit me. I can't just go home when I want to. I can't pick up and leave for New York again when I want to. To add insult to injury, Seattle is FAR. But then the rest of reality set in. Yes, Florida is great, but most of the people that made that week great don't live there anymore. New York was as wonderful as I remembered it to be, but it is still a black hole in our wallets, and when we were there, the city was on its best behavior: summer.

That brings us to Seattle, not ever on my list of places to live, but life isn't ever what we expect it to be. It's a place JP and I can learn and love and grow together. And if celebrating JP's 31st with cupcakes on the rooftop with a few good friends is just the start, it seems we have much more to look forward to.

Maybe JP and I will end up in New York for a while. One day, I hope we move to Florida for good. In the mean time, Seattle, you will do just fine.

Feelings. Everywhere.

If it doesn't feel like 90's r&b I don't want it.

(Don't) Mind the Gap

I learned about the infamous thigh gap some time in high school. It was at that same time that I realized I didn't have one. In fact, I have zero memory of ever having a thigh gap. Even at my fittest, I have NEVER had a thigh gap.

I'm 4'10 1/2", have never broken 100 lbs, both petite and athletic. I'm sharing this information to make a point: the thigh gap is sh*t.

If you do have a thigh gap, great! If you don't, there is nothing wrong with you! Please don't measure your fitness level by the gap between your thighs. Ignore the ads, the Instagram models, because most of them are photoshopped... Terribly at that.

(But heart eyes all over this suit!)